Today was Abby’s Christmas program for preschool. I know she’s three years old in my HEAD, but it just doesn’t seem real that she’s old enough to have a Christmas program. For preschool! Wasn’t she just a pound and looking up at me from under the smallest Santa hat ever made?
At Jackson’s first preschool program, he cried the whole time. No exaggeration. THE WHOLE TIME, on stage. He did not enjoy it. I sat in the audience and panicked. Do I go get him off the stage? Is this scarring him for life? Is he sick?
I used to wish time away with Jackson. When he was in treatment, I’d want to fast forward six months until we were done with chemo, then one month for transplant, two weeks for radiation and 5 months for immunotherapy. Once he was done with treatment, I’d set up mental hurdles like…just make it to one year off treatment, then two years off transplant, then three, four. I wanted time to pass so we could get as far away from cancer without a relapse.
It makes me feel bad now that instead of just enjoying where we were in the process, I wanted to move on. Speed things up. Hurry up so we could finally slow down.
I feel differently about time now. Most days, I want to hit the pause button and keep them young forever. Enjoy their little hands, sweet voices and quirky conversations. They just keep growing. I mean, I know that’s what happens when you feed them, but still. Slow DOWN already.
I think having Abby healed whatever portion of me was afraid or fearful of the future. I can do the very best I can, but I really can’t control anything. That’s a hard lesson to learn for someone like me. I’m a fixer. I’m so thankful for the lesson, as painful as it’s been, because it’s provided me with a much deeper respect for the journey itself.
But back to today. Abby’s program was precious. No tears at all. She sang, smiled and did her hand movements like a big girl. We are so proud of both of our children. If she had cried or picked her nose the whole time, it wouldn’t have mattered. We would have been there to celebrate her anyway 🙂