The Superstitions of a PTND Mom

24 Aug

The world has certainly changed since I was pregnant with Jackson. I spent the better part of my evening after the kids were asleep looking at baby stuff. I’m in over my head, folks.

Back in 2007, there wasn’t much talk about organic or BPA-free. There was Baby Bjorn. Pampers or Huggies. Medela. Johnson & Johnson. Nuk. That’s it.

Looking at baby stuff today, I feel like I need an environmental science degree! Certain carriers hold the baby wrong. Certain swings will give your baby a flat head. Diapers had bleach and harsh chemicals. Only this car seat works with this stroller. No teething tablets allowed. No Johnson & Johnson’s unless you want cancer. No baby powder because it settles in the baby’s lungs. Black and white, not color. Bold, abstract prints, not neutral animals. Swings controlled by your cell phone.

Back in 2007, Everett and I chose baby items based on “looks” and coolness factor. I ordered the sweetest Pottery Barn Kids bedding set, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Ev painted his room in a traditional baby blue. It was certainly no Chevron and stripes. We bought nice, solid furniture from the Baby Depot at Burlington Coat Factory, not minimalist Ikea cribs. Our friends and family threw us three baby showers and bought off a registry we created IN THE STORE. Not online at Target or on Amazon.com.

Little Jackson, relaxing in his Twinkle Twinkle room.

Little Jackson, relaxing in his Twinkle Twinkle room.

With Abby, she came so early, we had nothing ready. Seriously. No furniture. No bedding. No walls painted. No diapers or wipes or closet of clothes. In fact, her room was actually the office and overage for my out-of-season clothes. We had just dumped out all the drawers in there to start going through and I left for the hospital with the house looking like a hurricane hit it. I didn’t realize I’d be staying 11 days at Norfolk General and having a baby. So I packed enough for a day, maybe two. Remember, she was due February 23rd and I started getting pre-eclampsia syptoms right before Halloween.

Abs and I had a long time to figure our her nursery. While she was in her incubator, I showed her several bedding sets and paint samples. (We had a lot of free time together). If she opened her eyes or seemed interested, I went with it. So, little 2 lb. Abby picked her Pottery Barn Kids bedding, and because she was our little princess and I had no time to really shop, we ordered her furniture from there too.

Abby in her room she picked on the day after she came home from the NICU.

Abby in her room she picked on the day after she came home from the NICU.

You should have seen our front porch the day it all arrived. It was Christmas at the end of January. Besides my coworkers, I didn’t have a shower until she was home from the hospital and then she attended with me.

This time, I’m more ready. I have little Bonus’ baby bedding. He has tons of hand-me-downs courtesy of Abby and Jackson’s sweet babysitter and my nephew Hudson. I have curtains in their package and color swatches picked out for the walls and to repaint Jackson’s old furniture. Most of the stuff for his walls have been purchased.

The catch: it’s all organized and put neatly away in his closet. Closed off behind the door. I’m almost 27 weeks, but I feel like as soon as I get the nursery ready, I’ve jinxed everything and he’s coming.

So there it’ll all wait until much closer to his due date when I feel ready.

My sweet friends and family want to throw him a baby shower and I just can’t do it. It makes me so nervous. We can’t settle on his name and it’s mostly my fault. We’ll find a name, and our family refers to him as that name, and then I say No, No, No. Stop calling him that. That’s not his name! We had a name all picked out last time…but then all Hell broke loose.

So now I’ve diagnosed myself with a raging case of PTND. (Post Traumatic NICU Disorder) Isn’t recognizing the issue the first step?

I feel bad for being so superstitious, especially when this sweet little thumper is keeping me company while I watch Friends reruns on Netflix. It’s not going to go away, so I’m just going to acknowledge it. Over the last few days, I’ve given myself permission to finish this pregnancy on my terms. Do the nursery when I’m ready. Name the baby when I’m ready. Give updates on his progress, and mine, when I’m ready.

And I guess, it’s just…I’m not ready yet. I will be! This journey feels really personal for the two of us. We’re pretty connected right now. And my little partner seems to be focusing just as hard as me on staying healthy.

Until then, he’s a-cooking and I’m a-growing. I turn 27 weeks this week!

#fulltermorbust

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Last beach vacation with Abby as the baby of our family! Proud to be large, in charge and healthy at 26 weeks.

 

 

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